As an adoptee, one of the things I struggle with is that I often feel like I am in and out of people’s good graces. I feel I have to fight for their attention and approval, and my adoption, combined with the way I grew up, makes me feel like I never will be anchored with anyone, that I forever will be drifting to and from, pleasing people and then doing something to have them distance themselves from me.
That’s it; I have a hard time acknowledging the myriad of life things that get in the way and create ebbs and flows in a relationship. If someone doesn’t reach out first, or if someone doesn’t check in as often as they used to, the first thing I think is, “What did I do to make them push away?”
Thankfully, therapy has helped, and so have life experiences, in helping me not struggle as much with this. I have a solid community now that I don’t have to question where they stand with me, but I still struggle when I’m getting to know new people. Will they find out something about me that they don’t like? Am I good enough to be considered their friend?
I’m doing an amazing study on Romans written by Hope Blanton and Christine Gordon; it is meaty but doable, teaches me so much but doesn’t over whelm me. The Amazon link for it is https://www.amazon.com/Romans-At-His-Feet-Studies/dp/1946862002/ref=sr_1_2?crid=701S5G338LH3&dchild=1&keywords=romans+at+his+feet+studies&qid=1630347567&sprefix=romans+study+by+h%2Caps%2C219&sr=8-2
Today’s readying was Roman’s 5: 1-11. In it, the authors quote John Stott and his writing in The Message of Romans: God’s Good News for the World. “Our relationship with God… is not sporadic but continuous, not precarious but secure. We do not fall in and out of grace…”
Jesus’ love for me isn’t based on anything I can do, anything I can bring to the table. He has torn the veil wide open, and given me complete access to Him. All I have to do is come to Him.
Why is that so hard for me to accept, and so hard for me to do? Why do I feel like I need to earn peoples’ approval, and more importantly, why do I feel like I need to gain God’s approval in order to receive His love? I think a big part of it is being told we are lucky being adopted, that we are blessed to be chosen. These statements being pounded into our heads over and over again puts a never-ending cycle inside of us to try and prove we are worthy of this luck, worthy of this blessing. And because we were unwanted by our biological families, how could we ever be fully wanted, without having to earn it?
God’s love is unable to be earned, unable to be taken or given except by Him. I am secure in His arms; life cannot throw me into the sea. Will there be waves? Absolutely! But Jesus is holding my hand in the midst of them. Just because I stumble, because I push away for a bit, doesn’t mean Jesus just gives up on me, that He abandons me and leaves me trying to earn His love back. No! Jesus is the one thing that cannot be taken from me, the one person I don’t have to serve tirelessly in hopes He will love me back in the same way.
I love the lyrics of the following song. How deep the Father’s love for us, so deep we will never fully comprehend it! Listen to this song, over and over again, if you crave the type of love that isn’t based off your actions, that can never be taken away. And believe Jesus and all His love is yours, you just have to accept it. Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org if you have any questions about this; I’d love to chat with you!
How deep the Father’s love for us
How vast beyond all measure
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure
Why should I gain from His reward?
I cannot give an answer
But this I know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom