I applied to Starbucks yesterday, and it feels completely defeating to be looking for a job again, especially one I’m not excited about.
My husband and I are still in the thick of his transition from active duty to the Air Force guard, and it seems not a single thing is happening the way we are trying to make it.
I’m supposed to be going back to school in the fall to get my Bachelor’s Degree in Human Development and Family Studies from Oregon State University. I want to work for a non profit serving at risk youth, foster kiddos, and foster families, or be a speaker representing adoptees, or write books, or all of the above. I’m so excited to return to school because learning is fun for me, and the instant gratification of an A is like crack to this adoptee always trying to prove herself.
But in order to return to school, I need my husband’s GI Bill, that he served 9 hard active duty years for, to transfer over to me. We’ve been working on this transfer since January, JANUARY!!! of this year. And it’s not happening, either to someone dropping the ball or the website being down or some other bs excuse we keep getting fed.
We have exhausted all possibilities to get the darn thing transferred, to be able to have an income from the GI Bill and thus allowing me to return to school. But here we are, 1 month from when school starts, and we’re starting to realize we have to build a plan B.
I got married when I was 18. My parents didn’t approve, not because of my age, but because I didn’t have a college degree yet. So there’s a little bit of guilt also wrapped up in this, what feels like a failure: guilt I’m continuing to let my family down by not achieving my degree, guilt that I won’t be able to financially contribute to my little family, which is necessary, and guilt that our girls won’t see their momma defeat all odds and go get her degree.
Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
To be honest, the Lord feels pretty silent right now. My husband’s career isn’t going where he thought it would by now, mine definitely feels like it’s taking a nose dive, and we aren’t sure how the bills will get paid next month. It feels like we’re the Israelites, like we’ve been faithful and trusting God as he’s lead us away from a constant paycheck and the comforts we were used to when my husband was active duty. We’ve trusted God planting roots here and serving Him, but now we’re in the desert with no water. Will we see the promised land? How long are we to toil?
But you know what we do have? (and goodness I need to do a better job at focusing on the good). We have two beautiful and healthy daughters that make us laugh, we have a solid marriage built on God that just wasn’t supposed to last because of how young we were when we got married, we have a beautiful home, we have such a supportive community, and no matter how far away He feels right now, we have a God who loves us so much he knows EXACTLY how many hairs are on our heads.
So friends, and I’m speaking to myself right now too, if you feel like you are in a dark valley right now, like there is no hope, count what you have, and remember what the good Lord has ALREADY blessed you with. Lean into Jesus, no matter how hard you want to lean away and figure it out for yourself. He has plans for you, plans for HOPE and for a future.
And if you see me working at Starbucks next month, remind me to be be grateful God has given me a job, remind me He puts me where He wants me, and remind me to keep grinding, keep pushing for what I want: that job where I feel I can best use my gifts and story. And if you have a job opportunity you think I’d be perfect for, save me the sanity of making a million coffees a day and send it to me please!