I am battling with severe disappointment right now. I applied for my dream job with my dream organization, one that recruits and serves foster families. I got selected for an interview, and I waited, poised and ready, for a HALF HOUR past my Zoom interview time waiting for the host to join in. I finally received a text from one of their employees that they were running a bit behind but would be with me soon. By then my back hurt from sitting up so straight for so long, and I was exhausted from the adrenaline pumping through my body as I waited in extreme anticipation for this interview to begin. But I thought I crushed it, if I’m being honest, even with the nail biting start. I knew I didn’t have the lengthiest resume with specific experience or the degree to prove I was capable (military spouses can so relate) but I thought my story and enthusiasm would be able to overcome my lack of experience. But it couldn’t.
This job hit every mark on my wish list: Part- time so I could still be the mom and wife I wanted to be, work from home so I didn’t have to find childcare since my husband is in and out a lot as a member of the Air National Guard, flexible work hours so I could work when the kids were napping or down for the night, and the pay was so good (again military spouses and moms trying to renter the workforce get the importance of adequate pay). And best of all, I finally felt I knew what I was supposed to be when I grew up: to advocate for foster kids who I could empathize with because I once was one, use the gifts God has given me to engage people and bring them together for a cause, help others see their gifts and callings, creatively show that there is something EVERYONE can do to help a foster child (that will be a whole separate blog post in the future). But God said, “Not now,” and goodness that wait is so hard to hear right now.
There is a devotion in Sally Lloyd- Jones and Jago’s devotional book Thoughts to Make Your Heart Sing that keeps coming back to me as I work through what feels like stages of grief right now. Did you know that in order to build a skyscraper you have to dig down just as deep as the height of the building you want to build up? The higher you want the building, the lower you have to dig to adequately support the height. “…the Bible says God will use even the bad things- WHICH WON’T LAST- to do something good, to build something beautiful in us that will last FOREVER,” (p. 164, Jago & Jones). You cannot build up until you have done the work of digging down.
I feel as if the whole last year I have been digging down, going through tough things, doing the hard self- evaluation and self- work, and I was so ready for God to start building me up into a beautiful sky scraper, I am so ready for the hard to be done and the reward to start. But God is whispering, “Not yet my child.” As hard as that is to hear, I have to trust Him. He knows the plans He has for me, and they are to prosper me and to give me a future! So I will continue to dig deep, I will continue to draw closer to Him, I will continue to work on my past trauma, and I will trust that the Lord is good.
What are you wrestling with right now? What can you fully give to God and trust He will shoulder for you, trust that He’s got it, so that you can rest and then get back to work digging down and leaning into Him? Run to Him, he’s willing and waiting.
2 Corinthians 4:17 “For our present troubles… produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!”